So a few days ago I told my friend that when I thought of him, I thought of the colour orange. He was quite confused due to a number of reasons. Like the fact that it came from nowhere and that the comment could mean literally anything. I realise now that I hadn’t previously told him that I can always feel someone’s aura and every once in a while, I can see it. So his was orange. When he googled it, it said that it could mean joy, success, determination, and expression just to name a few. Another thing it mentioned was warmth, which was always something I associated with him.
That got me thinking about more colours that I associate with people. An example being my mom’s aura is different shades of pink with magenta being the darkest depending on her mood. So when she’s upset, the magenta jumps right out. My aura (in my eyes obviously) is different shades of yellow which also happens to be my favourite colour but it occasionally leaks into orange as well. Additionally, every once in a while a little bit of purple shows up and I’d like to think that means royalty and a natural born leader but you’re welcome to go ahead and google that one.
I then told one of my other friends that their aura was blue to me but would sometimes leak into a shade of green. They said that could be a good thing considering that blue is associated with calmness and peace but that’s not exactly how I meant it. I thought of it like an ocean. As much as it is mostly calm and can bring you joy when you’re around it… there are waves.
Waves which come and go with no way to tell exactly how big they’ll be by the time they reach the shore. Waves which can come as small and warm as those Moana encountered as a baby but can turn around and rock your boat throwing you on to an island you’ve never been to and forcing you to confront a demigod that ruined the course of history. Waves which can come together to create a tsunami strong enough to drag everything in its path along with it.
That’s how I’d like to explain my mental illness. It’s a constant cycle of waves. As mentioned before, sometimes you have days where you forget that you even have it as you’re having the best time of your life. This can last anything from a few minutes to months. But when it hits, it hits hard. With something like anxiety, sometimes you can feel it building up as if it’s a ball growing in your chest or abdomen much like a wave you see forming from afar which gives you enough time to prepare yourself. While other times, it strikes with no warning as if you were sitting on the shore then suddenly the tide pulls up and takes all your belongings leaving you with the task of not only pulling yourself together but everything around you as well as it’s now lying everywhere and anywhere.
Depression is similar. You’re constantly aware of its presence although sometimes it gives you the luxury of not interfering with your life. It allows you to flourish regardless of its presence. It allows you to take pretty pictures for your Instagram where your smile is genuine and post them with a cute caption. Then it paralyses you. It takes your appetite. It takes your motivation. It takes your self-control. It takes your will to live. It takes everything like a tsunami with no regard for its actions grabbing anything from the smallest flower to the mansion on the mountaintop. Then it brings it all back misplaced. It leaves you to walk away from the struggle with no proof that it was there at all.
Now a combination of the two is torture especially because you sometimes can’t figure out which one is hitting you, sort of like when a wave is grabbing your belongings and you don’t know what to save first: your umbrella flying away or your picnic basket being taken by the water. In this situation, you don’t know which part of your brain to tend to. The part that’s constantly overthinking and worrying about everything or the part that’s simply too defeated to fight back. Additionally, sometimes they don’t care at all and hit you at the same time ensuring that you can’t save your umbrella or your picnic basket.
I’ve had a few days of a calm ocean in my mind. Where I was able to have proper conversations with people and even share this blog with a few friends. It was great especially because I was surrounded by family and had the strength to actually go out and be a proper person which resulted in me finally watching The Incredibles 2. So the Instagram post type of wave.
But that’s starting to change. That ball of anxiety is currently growing at an alarmingly slow pace. I can see the wave from afar with the only problem being that it’s currently so far that I can’t tell whether it’ll be the type to wash over me with the force of a great typhoon or simply brush up on my feet.
There’s no way of telling at this point. But I guess like any wave, I just have to hope for the best and remember that it’s just a wave.
It will pass.