A new chapter.

The past few days have been a lot. A series of such a variety of events that I don’t even know where to start. On Thursday, I had to go fetch my brothers from Limpopo quite close to Tzaneen. My mom told me to use the GPS and despite my protest about it not being wise as I didn’t know the route, I listened anyway, then I found myself on top of a mountain somewhere in Venda with my sister sleeping at the back.

This meant that I had to drive back down the damn mountain, turn around, find my way to Polokwane because I at least know that area, and try figure out where to go from there. During the time I was tackling the mountain with no actual road, the constant bumping caused the bumper of the car to come undone and the plastic thing at the bottom of the car that protects the engine to fall right off. This also meant that a 3.5-hour trip became a 6.5-hour trip for me. It was a mess and when I called my dad to try to help me, he started panicking and repeating just how lost I was – as if I wasn’t very much aware of that. Additionally, that’s the exact moment my anxiety decided to flare up.

I started driving at 160 km/h, to get there as fast as possible, despite the speed limit being 120 and just praying that there weren’t any cops that stopped me considering that I’d go straight to jail. The idea of going back home having busted up my mom’s car didn’t provide any sort of comfort either. But those weren’t the most dominant thoughts in my mind. I had to keep reminding myself that my sister was in the car. I’ve mentioned the fact that I’ve been suicidal in the past but that wasn’t something I had to deal with since being home. As I was driving, I realised that (at the speed I was going at) if I decided to turn just a little bit more than needed, I could crash into a tree or some railing which would cause the car to topple over and would most likely end it all instantly.

But my sister was in the car… and she didn’t deserve to have to live through that so I didn’t. I guess I should just say that my sister saved my life. That was a dark time for me as you can imagine but by the time I got to where my brothers were 2 hours later, I had calmed down and was even able to laugh about everything while retelling the story of my first time in Venda while driving back home.

I was still stressed about my mom’s car but thankfully she had gone to Durban for 3 days so we could wake up in the morning and try figure out how to hide the damage. My brothers and I worked on the car for a solid 3 hours and I’ve got to say, we killed it. My dad then made sure to let us all know that none of us are allowed to ever mention the damage to my mom ever. My mom still can’t see a difference. After a hard day’s work, I decided to go to a high school friend’s 21^st birthday party.

I won’t lie, I was a little scared as I hadn’t seen her in 2 years and I had no clue who would be there but I was pleasantly surprised. There were a bunch of people from high school that I hadn’t realised I missed – including the person I was a head leader with in matric. It was great, there was a whole lot of laughter and reminiscing and I had a long DMC with one of my former social friends about everything from Kanye West to the legal system in South Africa.

It was actually great. To see how much we had all changed yet stayed the same, how the conversation flowed despite the long absence in each other’s lives, how despite all being in totally different cities and stages in our lives, we could all find comfort in how adulting is trash. It made my heart warm to just know that despite what life had thrown at us, we were still there and able to laugh and celebrate and just enjoy each other’s company. It also made me realise that if I had decided to end it all the day before, I would’ve missed that opportunity. So that has brought me to where I am now.

Content.

Not scared about what lies ahead but almost excited. This is the first time since going to UCT that I’m not completely dreading the idea of Cape Town. I mean yes, it sucks that I didn’t use my time at home to see more people and left it until the last week here but I’m still content.

Content at the fact that I’m still here and am able to do something good with my life and fill it with all the joy possible. Content with the fact that there are still people in my life who get excited about my presence despite my long absences. Content with the knowledge that despite the hard times, there could be great things right around the corner. Content with just being here right now and not stressing about anything just yet.

Content.

Content with the fact that I can start a new chapter in my life today with more knowledge about how although things can go haywire in a split second, it can change for the better in the same amount of time.